


tiny and cold

by Eudore



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Birthday, Christmas, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 07:18:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5576287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eudore/pseuds/Eudore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Mike wasn’t sure if visiting him was a good idea or not. Levi hadn’t answered any phone calls or messages.<br/>It was like he ceased from existence two weeks ago. The last thing they heard from him was the shaky phone call Erwin had received."</p>
            </blockquote>





	tiny and cold

**Author's Note:**

> I am way too late, but here it is: a little fic for Levi’s birthday and Christmas.

Mike took a deep breath and leaned back. It was freezing cold outside and since his car heater was broken, it was quite uncomfortable in his old Volkswagen. But he kept sitting and looked through the darkness at the little house in front of him. He wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not. Levi hadn’t answered any phone calls or messages and he knew from Petra that he didn’t open the door a few days ago.

It was like he ceased from existence two weeks ago. The last thing they heard from him was the shaky phone call Erwin had received.  
It had been a shock. They all had known how sick Levi’s mother was, but so suddenly…

Mike looked at the present on the passenger seat. Nothing special. Some candy and a little cake. Most people were surprised how good he was in baking. Baking did not seem to be an obvious hobby for a huge carpenter.  
The idea of giving Levi a self-baked cake made him quite nervous, since he was a special person and Mike liked him much. Very much. But Levi liked being alone. He worked in the office of Mike’s workshop and ate normally alone. He didn’t talk a lot and never went to parties of co-workers. He sat all day alone in his little office space and received phone calls of customers and organized everything in the background. He didn’t seem to have a lot of friends except for Petra, who visited him sometimes, and maybe Erwin. Mike had never been good with words and even if they talked only rarely he had started to like Levi. He often sat in his break in his office and listened Levi’s calls while eating his sandwich. Sometimes they drank a coffee together. Mike hadn’t known that Levi’s birthday was on Christmas until Petra had mentioned it a few days ago.  
Even if Levi was a loner and grieving… Mike didn’t want him to be all alone at Christmas _and_ his birthday. He would knock and lay the presents in the worst case just in front of the door.  
Mike took a little breath and wanted to reach for the presents when suddenly somebody was knocking at his window. He nearly jumped.  
Erwin. His friend and boss.  
He was pale except for his red nose tip and looked worried. Mike got out of the car.

“Erwin”, he said. “You gave me a little heart attack.”

“Sorry”, he answered. “I saw your car.” He looked at the two boxes in Mike’s large hands. “I didn’t know you were going to visit him.”

“I didn’t know myself until a few hours ago”, Mike answered and shifted his weight from one foot to another.

“I see.” Erwin had a little gift basket with him. “Did you talk to him?”

Mike shook his head while locking his car. “Did you?”

“He doesn’t answer.” Erwin looked tired. “I am worried. He… he had some tough times, you know? A few years ago.”  
Mike didn’t know.  
“You remember the time when I had my, you know, burnout?” Erwin barely talked about this topic. “He visited me one day at home and we talked a bit. He told me from his hard times. I am really worried.”

Mike swallowed. “I didn’t know… do you thing- he wouldn’t. Would he?” His hands started to get quite warm. He didn’t have considered something like this.

“I don’t think so”, answered Erwin and started walking. “But being alone can’t be helping. We should have a look after him. If he doesn’t want to see as, we can leave but at least we know that he didn’t do something… destructive.”

The little house looked cold and dark and suddenly Mike’s stomach hurt. Erwin knocked.  
“Maybe he is not going to open.”

“Yes, maybe”, responded Erwin. He looked not very good. Dead parents were a raw point. They were quite good friends but never talk about Erwin’s dad, even after all these years.  
Something inside moved. Mike could see a small light figure through the window in the door. He squatted down. Little white ears and a bushy tail.

“I didn’t know that he has a cat.”

“I am not sure, but I think his mother had a few.” Erwin cleared his throat and knocked again. The cat looked at them and seemed to meow.

“Do you like cats?” Mike didn’t know why he asked but talking helped somehow staying calm.

“Depends on the cat.” Erwin knocked again, this time louder.

Something inside moved and the cat meowed again, this time loud enough to hear her through the door. She was lifted up and Levi opened the door.  
He looked terrible. He was pale and the rings under his eyes were huge. He wore a pullover, which was way too big. The cat started to purr loudly and rubbed her head against his cheek.  
“Erwin and Mike”, he said and looked confused at them. “What…” He saw the presents and fell silent.

“Hello, Levi”, Erwin said softly. “We just wanted to see, how you are doing.”  
Mike nodded and Levi looked some long seconds at them.

“It’s…” He shrugged his shoulders. His gaze danced over both of them before he looked at the floor. “Not good.”

They remained silent for a few seconds. The cat meowed again and Levi looked shortly at her. “It’s messy.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want us to come in”, said Erwin.

“Do you wanna be alone?”, asked Mike.

Levi didn’t answer for a short moment.  
“It’s… no, but…” Suddenly he looked incredible sad. “I don’t want to talk about it. Everybody wants to say something nice, but I just, I just can’t.”

“It’s okay”, answered Erwin. “We can keep you company without talking about it.”  
Levi nodded slowly and stepped aside. It was really dark inside and only slightly warmer than outside. They took of their shoes and jackets and followed Levi into the only well-lit room. 

Mike had never been before in Levi’s home. The living room was puristic furnished; he noticed immediately a lot of wood. Oak. The room was in his opinion very tidy, except for some cat toys, empty food packages on the table in front of the couch and a laundry basket with unfolded clothes. A white cat with brown and red spots lay on top and slept. Mike saw two more cats; a black one with white paws on the couch and a red one playing with one of the empty packages.  
They sat down next to the black cat, who decided to ignore them. Levi took a seat in an armchair. The white cat curled up in his lap and purred loudly.  
After a few silent seconds Mike cleared his throat. “I like your furniture, especially the pieces made out of oak. And the cats are adorable.”

“Thank you”, answered Levi and looked very tired. “The black one was my only one. The other three, they were… Now they are mine, too.”

“Do they get along?” Erwin tried petting the black cat, but he just stared sinisterly at him and he chose to take his hand away.

“Yes, except for the boys.” He pointed at the black and at the red one. “They fight at least once a day, but it is okay.” He moved slightly. “Do you want me to get some wood for the fireplace? I think, it is not really warm, isn’t it?”

Mike stood up immediately. “Please, keep your seat. Just tell me where.”

“Oh”, answered Levi. “There is a little shed behind the house. But you don’t have to…” Mike smiled at him and he nodded slowly. “Thank you. You can go through the corridor.”

Mike left the small living room and turned up a few heaters on his way. It was freezing cold. He had to search for a few seconds before he found the light switch. The floor of the hall was also oak. While putting on his shoes he thought about crafting a little piece of furniture for Levi. Maybe a side table.  
There was a pretty terrace behind the house. Dark stone seamed by little flowerbeds. The shred was really small and Mike took an armful of wood back to the house. The red cat nearly escaped but Mike shoved him with his leg back inside without hesitation. While removing his shoes again, his gaze wandered around and a picture on the wall, next to the door, caught his attention. A kid, doubtless Levi, and a woman together on a swing set. They resembled each other a lot. They had the same black hair, grey eyes and slim face. Mike sighed and went back into the cold living room.

Levi was still sitting in his armchair with his fuzzy cat on his lap, while Erwin appeared suddenly behind Mike. He had a tray with a teapot and three cups.  
“I am a terrible host”, said Levi and hugged the cat tighter when she started to press her face in his chest. Her purring was the only sound, except for the rattling of the tray and the rustling of the empty package the calico cat was now playing with.  
Mike got on his knees in front of the fireplace and took care of it.  
“No, you are not”, said Erwin and poured hot tea in the cups. “Are you hungry? I could cook something?”

Levi looked uncomfortable. “Erwin, you don’t have to…”

“I am really hungry to be honest”, interposed Mike and smiled. “If it’s okay for you.”

“Okay”, Levi answered. “I don’t have very much, but there are some vegetables in the freezer.” He leaned back and watched the fire. It was still small, but growing. “I didn’t realize how cold it was.”

“That’s way better, right?” Mike kept taking care of the fire until it was nice and big. He reached for the white cat and petted her head. She meowed silently.

“My mother found Esther as a tiny kitten and bottle-fed her”, Levi suddenly said and kept looking at her.

“That was very nice of her”, answered Mike. He was still sitting on the floor next to the fireplace and Levi’s armchair. He didn’t answer and just kept petting Esther. Her seemed to be deep in thought. 

“I am so tired”, he said after a while. Mike nodded slowly and got up. He sat down next to the black cat, which started sniffing at his hands. Mike had a dog, maybe he smelt him.

“Is there something I can do?”

Levi shook his head. “I don’t think so.” Esther kept purring and licked his fingers. They heard Erwin rattle in the kitchen. “Shouldn’t you be with you family?”, Levi asked and closed his eyes for a moment.

Mike sighed. “There is nobody to be with”, he replied and reached out to stroke the calico cat. She meowed silently and kept playing with the empty package. Levi frowned and looked at him. “A car accident, a few years ago”, Mike explained and leaned back. “I normally come along when Erwin visits his mother.”

“I am sorry”, answered Levi softly and rubbed his face. He looked like he needed a long night of sleep, a good meal and comfort of friends. At least they were working on the last two points.

“Thank you.” Mike handed him one of the cups. Their hands touched; Levi’s was freezing cold. Mike took his hand in his own without thinking about it and started rubbing it slightly. Levi said nothing but leaned slightly back. He had beautiful hands. Small and slender. They looked tiny in Mike’s huge ones. Levi’s skin was way softer than his own. He examined them while warming him up. There were some lightly scars and a few scratches.

“Your skin is so rough.” Levi looked at him and then at his hands. “I guess that’s normal for a carpenter?”

Mike smiled, nodded and took his hands away. “Drink your tea, it’s going to warm you up.”

They were sitting together in silence for a while, until Erwin appeared in the door frame with three plates.

“It’s nothing special, just some vegetables with soy sauce”, explained Erwin. Mike inhaled. It smelled delicious.

“Thank you.” Levi looked up to him and received his plate. Esther started sniffing but didn’t seem to be happy about the food on the plate. Levi ate only some bits before he put the plate on the little table and closed his eyes for a moment. The red cat stretched to have a look but seemed to have the same feelings as Esther.  
He opened his eyes and darted a restless gaze through the living room. “I have to feed them.” He stood up, put Esther on the floor and left the room. There were a few silent seconds before they heard the opening of a can and all four cats stormed out of the door. They listened the many-voiced meowing and looked at each other.

“He doesn’t look really good”, said Erwin silently and put his plate on the table. He had only had a few bits more than Levi. “I don’t want to leave him alone again, to be honest.”

“Me, too. Just let’s stay”, answered Mike and took a sip of his tea. “Until he kicks us out. I have a sleeping back in my car. You can have the couch.”

Erwin examined him for a long moment before he sighed. “Okay. My back is going to hurt terrible, but okay.”

The meowing started getting less loudly.  
“Levi?”, Erwin asked and drank some tea.

“Yeah?”, he answered from the kitchen.

“Can we stay tonight?” Erwin looked at Mike for a moment. “Would that be okay for you?”

Levi was silent for a few seconds. “You don’t have to.”

Mike stood up and stepped to the door frame. “Do you wanna be alone?”, he asked and watched Levi. He was standing in the middle of the kitchen surrounded by eating and purring cats. He looked even smaller in this huge pullover.

“I… you don’t have to”, he answered vaguely. “It’s Christmas. I don’t even have a tree and shit.”

“We would like to stay if it’s okay for you.”

Levi passed him and sat down. He shrugged his shoulders. “If you want to.”

Erwin smiled at him. “Wonderful. Please open your presents.”

Mike took seat next to Erwin and handed him the candy, cake and gift basket. Levi examined each piece and frowned at the cake.

“Don’t tell me that’s self-baked”, he said doubtfully and looked at Mike, who smiled.

“I am full of surprises.”

“Thank you”, he murmured softly and darted a glance at them. “Both of you. That’s very nice.” Suddenly he looked –again- terribly sad, but he kept his countenance and blinked a few times. “Let’s do something.”

“What?”, asked Erwin and got up to cart the plates away and to get clean ones for the cake.

“I don’t care. Something.” Levi scratched the back of his head. “Watch a movie or something.”

Mike took the remote. “Okay. You wanna sit with us on the couch?”  
Levi shrugged his shoulders again but sat next to Mike and hugged his own legs. He seemed to be cold.  
Mike took the blanket the black cat was sleeping on before and threw it over him.

“Thank you. Just choose something. But none of these Christmas family movies, okay?” He closed his eyes for a few seconds until Erwin sat next to him and cut the cake.

“Oh”, he said. “Layers. It looks delicious.” He smiled at Mike. “Is that chocolate?”

“Yes, with walnuts.” Mike reached for a plate and wanted to give it to Levi, but he stopped him with a wave of his hand. “Okay, but try at least one bit, okay?”

Levi nodded slowly and took his fork to take a little piece. “Very nice”, he said and leaned back. He looked exhausted.  
They ended up watching an action movie. It wasn’t very good but at least Levi seemed to be a little distracted. Esther lay on Erwin’s lap, while the black cat played boisterously with one of Mike shoes in the hallway. The other two cats shared the laundry basket and slept.  
It was very cozy with the three of them on the couch. The fireplace gave off warmth and Levi ate after a while a tiny slice of cake. The final showdown of the movie was quite bad but they still watched it until the final credits appeared. After the noise of the movie stopped Mike realized how awfully quiet Levi had been in the last minutes. Erwin seemed to notice it in the same moment.  
Mike looked at him and his heart hurt. Levi was somehow even paler than before and there was a grimace of pain and grief on his face. He pressed his lips together and stared at his knees.

“Oh”, Erwin murmured softly and pulled a handkerchief out of his trouser pocket. Levi took it and blew his nose.

“Sorry”, he said nasally. “That just happens from times to times. Suddenly everything reminds me of her and… I don’t know what to do.” He looked for the first time desperate. He rubbed his face with one of his sleeves. “I know it is going to get better, but…” He looked up to them. “What do I do until then?”  
Mike pressed him tightly to his chest before he even knew what he was doing. Levi made a small sound and after a short moment, he leaned heavy into the hug. Erwin laid one hand on his shoulder and they stayed a long time like this. Esther stood up and meowed softly. Levi felt tiny in his arm. Tiny and cold.

After a while Erwin started rubbing his back. “Talk about it. Don’t keep everything for yourself.” Levi broke away from them and stood up to lift Esther up. He wiped his face and sat down on the armchair. Too much closeness had never been one of the things he could bear for a longer time.

“You never talk about your father”, he replied and sounded way sharper than intended. Erwin didn’t seem to take it personally.

“I know. And that’s not good. It’s okay to keep thoughts for yourself, but sometimes it has to get out. Or alternatively it is going to fester on you and…” He fell silent for a short moment. “And that’s something you don’t get rid of easily.”  
Mike thought about his own parents and his desperation in the first months afterwards. He had lost nearly fifteen kilogram in that time.

“I can’t”, answered Levi and wiped off his face.

“One day you can and then you can talk to us”, replied Erwin patiently. He seemed to have aged ten years in the last few minutes.

“And till then?” Levi got up again and started walking up and down the small room. He struggled for words. “Did you ever feel like you… you get transparent?”  
There was a long moment of silence.

“I felt like shrinking after the accident of my parents”, said Mike finally and rubbed his beard. “Like… you lose more than relatives but can’t tell what it is.”

Levi stopped and looked at him. “And then?”

“And then it suddenly stops and the grief is less festering.” Mike looked at him. “That takes time.”

“How long?”, he wanted to know. Esther meowed softly in his arms.

“Three months”, answered Mike. “Afterwards I was still awfully sad about it, but I didn’t have to think all the time about it.”

Levi nodded and looked quizzically at Erwin.  
“I have still my problems talking about it”, he explained. “But… sometimes my mother and I look at old pictures and we laugh about how he made always those ridiculous faces on family photos.” His eyes started to redden but he smiled. “Like… I don’t even know how he did that. It’s like he had way more muscles in his face than me.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “But to answer your question, I think a few years. My childhood was quite sad.”

Levi nodded slowly and sniffed silently. “I hate this bullshit.”

“Me, too.” Erwin and Mike spoke at the same time and smiled. “It’s okay to be angry. It’s just unfair”, said Mike and Erwin nodded.

“I know, people are always complaining about this sentence, but seriously, you are going to learn to live with it. It will always hurt, but the pain will decrease with the time. Losing a parent is –sadly- part of your life. Of course it is still terrible and hard to handle”, Erwin said and stood up. “And it is okay to be devastated. Take all the time you need. You can stay as long at home as you want. And now I would like to hug you.” Levi didn’t hug back but leaned into it and closed his eyes for a few seconds.

“We are staying as long with as you want”, said Mike.

“And you can always call. When you are ready to talk about it, we are there.” Erwin squeezed his shoulders lightly. “How about watching another movie? Until you are tired enough to sleep?”

“You two look tired”, answered Levi and sat down next to Mike.

“Nah, it’s fine”, he answered. Erwin smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading :)


End file.
